The Glass Cavern

could paint the world, what [part 2]

2009-11-11T04:19:18Z

first and foremost, just want to welcome justallyson to LJ. yay. (seriously. enthusiasm goes here.) i look forward to getting back in touch with you; for good this time :)

now, down to business.

Songs from the Aviary was a learning experience. a very chaotic one. i made a lot of mistakes, and i'm in the process of correcting them.

the biggest change you're going to notice (more so with my second album) is in my lyrics. i just can't bring myself to force it anymore. for years i've been forcing myself to make sense. every line has to be big, grand, poignant, and important. there has to be a thread. there has to be a big statement. logic. sense. logic. fuck it all! i think you all know me very well. sense and logic mean shit to me. i sure as hell don't act like a logical human being XD so why should my art be any different?

one night back in september, i decided to do the one thing i always said i would never do as a songwriter: turn off my filters, open the floodgates, and just let the words flow. and goddamn it, did the words flow! though my initial efforts were definitely more transitional in nature, i've definitely settled into my new style. i've written more songs in the past two months than i generally write in a year! and they're all beautiful. they sound so real! they're a reflection of me. it's not contrived. i'm not trying to be something i'm not. i'm not trying to force myself into some broken mold. i'm not trying at all. i'm just being me. it's liberating.

the great logical thinkers that were once my idols (Neil Peart, Sting, Peter Kingsbery, etc.) are still great songwriters, i'm just in a different category now. fuck the brain. i'm writing from the heart.

digression!!!!

as if you didn't know already, i've been working on an EP since september. i've even got a cool title for it now: Small Furry Tantrums. No meaning behind it, just a cute little something i've had in my head for a while////

there are four songs. three outtakes from Songs, and a new one that i wrote just recently. "Venus in the Dark", a song that i've been ranting and raving about for years, was recorded (for the third time) for this project, but ultimately didn't make the final cut. i've always felt, and still feel, that something's missing from that song, more specifically the arrangement. so until i can figure out what i can do with it, that song won't see the light of day.

song-by-song:

"Windows" - my little teen angst song. i posted it to mr. x about a year ago, more or less. this is probably the corniest song i've ever written XD the chorus in particular stands out as really corny. mixed feelings for the most part, though i love the way i arranged it. musically, it's verrry layered; lots of guitar overdubs. still working on the guitar solo for this one.

"Tempted" - pop song in 3/4 anyone? one of the few songs i've arranged in a triple meter, though it was originally written in 4/4. it sounds almost nothing like it's original form; along with the meter, i changed most of the music and the lyrics. it's a good example of my new writing style. probably the weakest vocals on the EP, but there's nothing particularly wrong with them. lots of overdubbing again. i love, love, love the guitar solo. i'm trying out some different techniques here, and they came out really well on this song.

"The Sun and the Moonlight" - old, old, old. like "Tempted", this song was turned inside out, though i kept most of the lyrics. the lyrics are a bit too straightforward, and at times, contradictory, but i decided to keep them. this songs is soooo heavy! also the only song in my catalogue (so far) that doesn't feature any keyboards. i tried some keyboard parts, but i got rid of them because they didn't really add anything to the song. quite a feat, given that it's original arrangement was almost entirely keyboard-based. again with the overdubbing! XD another really good solo. the vocals are soooo powerful! nutshell: this song is on FIRE!

"Mankind" - the sole new song here. an earnest attempt at prog-metal i think. probably the proggiest song i've ever done. it's right up there with "End of all Hope", only with better vocals XD the main riff is absolutely delicious. i didn't go crazy with the overdubbing here, but i'm still perfecting the arrangement. still have to write the guitar solo (got optimism?)

the mix still isn't perfect, the songs could be better (well, they're old; what do you expect), and my instrumental abilities still need some improvement. but overall, it's a step in the right direction. Expect SFT to be finished sometime in the next week.

my second album is in the writing/demo stages. no blueprints or big concepts yet. i'm probably not going to start working on it until january or so... probably earlier than that, actually. i don't think i'll be able to wait XD my informal (as of right now) due-date is june 2010, but no promises there.

long term thinking! oh, noes!

i've got a lot to prove, mostly to myself. but i'm feeling optimistic about it all right now. right now, anyway. Nachty-nacht, y'all're :)

could paint the world, what [part 1]

2009-11-02T19:20:33Z

this post is about two months late XD

Songs From the Aviary is done. It was finished at the beginning of september, and was posted on 9/11. You can listen to the whole thing here, though i don't see why you'd want to.

it's not a bad enough album to completely disown, but it's not very memorable. and it's certainly not professional. not even close XD most of my vocals were done in one take (a take that usually wasn't very good), after which i said "fuck it, let's mix the shit down". Most of the distorted/overdriven guitars sound like they were played in a cardboard box; this is mostly due to my obsession with achieving "teh perfect sound" and failing miserably (though i think i may have succeeded recently).

let's go song-by-song:

John the Lion - a decent way to open the album. it showcases pretty much all of my influences, but i wish there was more of a "riff" there... it's heavy, but doesn't really do much with said heaviness. nonetheless, i think it would be a good one to try live someday. we should all know who this song is about (and no, his name isn't John XD).

Clean - easily the best song on the album. also the last one written. coincidence? i think not. lyrically (and musically), it is the ultimate tale of desperation.

Curse - let the disowning begin. this was a good song. it was written well before i started recording, and was pretty simple in it's delivery. then i had to fuck it up by changing the lyrics. musically, this song is good (i might even reuse some of it), but the lyrics are terrible (waaay too straightforward), and the vocals suffered as a result of me not being completely comfortable with singing them. i can't even get past the first 20 seconds of this song anymore.

I'll Never Be You - beautiful. i was attempting to conjure up my inner Cocteau with this one, and i think i may have succeeded. it would be impossible to play this one live because of all the guitar overdubs, but i'd still like to try it. lyrically, it's another one of my fractured love stories. some of the lyrics were changed at the last minute, so the vocals suffered a little bit, but it's still a good listen.

Submission - loved this one. probably the oldest song that made it onto the album. it was written on acoustic guitar, but i went with a piano-based arrangement for reasons i can no longer remember. for a song that i wrote when i was 18, it's really good.

Faithless? - i HATE how this song turned out. just one listen to the chorus, and you'll see why. why did i change those lyrics???

Space - written later in the sessions. the music is based around an annoyingly repetitive guitar riff that continues throughout the entirety of the song's eight-and-a-half minutes. i love the alternating guitar/keyboard solos in the midsection, but that's about the only thing i love about this song. this is definitely the worst vocal track on the album. i think this was the song that inspired my 'vocal lessons' comment on FB. another lyric that was too straightforward. or maybe i'm just tired of writing about suicide... if i ever get around to revisiting/re-recording some of this old material, this song would be a prime candidate. i would love to try it live, but not as it is now.

End of All Hope - speaking of suicide XD the first half of this song (the instrumental intro) is probably the best piece of music i have written to date, even though it wasn't done very well. soooo freakking epic! the second half is more pedestrian. the vocals on this song are particularly painful to listen to; another really bad take, and because of the way i mixed them. i added a flanger to the vocals to make them sound cooler, but it just ended up making things worse =/

i suppose that allowances should be made since this is my first attempt at recording, and even though i'm not proud of the album that i made, i'm proud that i managed to make an album. i put my heart and soul into it (even though it doesn't sound like it), and what's more important, i did everything. absolutely everything. that in itself deserves some respect.

i've been working on some new material since then, but that's another entry. until then, BOOSH!

for

2009-10-26T06:14:27Z

here's an old piece of crap...

haven't we been here before, praline?

2009-08-31T05:53:46Z

What is on your personal list of the Seven Wonders of the Modern World?

View 527 Answers

might be stretching it a little, but...

1.mozzarella cheese
2.Europe (yes, the whole continent)
3.Fender Stratocasters
4.Dave Pelzer
5.the internet
6.the internet (again)
7.emozebra

very

2009-08-22T17:09:26Z

...if you can't trust a bank with your money, who can you trust?

insomniac devereaux

2009-08-14T02:19:24Z

while i'm thinking about it, here's a not-so-complete list of my favorite guitar players:

Steve Howe
John Petrucci
Robin Guthrie
David Gilmour
Steve Rothery
Alex Lifeson
The Edge
Steven Wilson
Kirk Pengilly (if just for how he alternates between guitar and saxophone on stage)
Warren Cuccurullo
Robert Fripp
Mike Rutherford (and no, i don't mean Steve Hackett)
Daryl Stuermer
Trevor Rabin
Pete Townsend
Roine Stolt
Ty Tabor
Scott Helland
Rick Vito
Syd Barrett
Emppu Vuorinen (oh, GOD YES!)
Mike Oldfield
Marty Friedman
Mike Holmes
Les Paul (may he rest in peace)

if you don't recognize any of these names, look them up. FOR GOD'S SAKE, DO SOME HOMEWORK!!!

((don't call it a comeback. i never went anywhere XD))

hiatus, plz

2009-06-08T00:23:13Z

i'm alive.

hopefully soon i'll be able to explain in detail what's going on with me... there are a lot of details, trust me.

adiola.

for lies, i sign

2009-04-04T03:17:06Z

i came across this picture on my phone a few minutes ago.

god i look terrible XD groove on it?

endive dissolution overdrive

2009-04-03T03:14:07Z

well, now that i've had some time to cool off and think, here we go again! POST TIEM!!!

first off, i wanted to say sorry for last time. i had a lot of negative energy built up in me that just needed to free itself. even still, it's a shame that you guys had to see me like that. i think that somewhere along the line, i stopped blaming my parents for all of my problems and started blaming myself for holding on to them. you're right, angiewavesgbye, i have to be kinder to myself. and i have to stop playing the blame game.

anyway, on to the real point of this entry...

lately, the arguments between me and my estranged boss, Scot, have been getting very heated. like f-word heated. not a workday has gone by in the past week where he hasn't shouted the f-word to my face in anger. over the pettiest things, too. he's also been using that demeaning tone on me again... i think you know which one i'm talking about. he's also been saying things like "listen the hell up, because i don't want to have to explain this twice" (a classic), or "you're acting like a goddamn rookie, Anthoney"...i've had a few moments recently when i've thought, "if i give you such a headache, why don't you just fire me???"

today was a very good example. thursday is usually Scot's day off. however, i will occasionally drive over to his house in the produce truck to deliver things to him... like notes, paperwork, dirty aprons (for washing), that sorta thing. most of the time, he's not even there, so i'll just leave the stuff on his porch. today, Jupiter and Tes sent me to Scot's house with aprons and some paperwork to leave on his porch, and an order for the bank. so, i dropped the stuff off at Scot's house, and went to the bank. well, while i was in line at the bank, i get a VERY angry call from Scot. apparently, he wanted me to stay at his house and help him move some things (very HEAVY things) to the curb for the trash man. so when i was finished at the bank, i raced back to Scot's house, where the scene was as follows:

Scot: hi.
Me: hey.
Scot: i cannot FUCKING BELIEVE no one told you to come by here and help me.
Me: i had no idea. Jup and Tes didn't say anything about that.
Scot: bullshit!
Me: hey, i just did what they told me to do.
Scot: whatever, just stay here and help me 'til i tell you to leave. jesus christ, they had me waiting all fucking day...

yeah... *tears hair out* he calmed down significantly after that, but still... *tears hair out again* after helping him for the better part of two hours, i went back to the market. apparently, Tes got yelled at just as badly as i did... i felt bad for the guy :( i felt like it was my fault that this whole thing happened. Tes apologized to me, and told me not to worry about it... he's been one of my biggest allies lately. and i remember back when we didn't get along at all XD

i've been trying forever to figure out why we've been at odds so much. i always figured his standards were just way too fucking high XD which, to a certain degree, is true. but i think it all comes down to me in the end. i didn't realize it until a few days ago, but... maybe i'm too young for this. Scot hired me when i was 18 years old. i was ambitious (maybe overly-so) and ready to prove myself to the world. since then i've matured a lot, but i still don't think i'm mature enough to handle all of the responsibilities that i have there. i mean, i'm in charge of a whole fucking department! and i work in almost every other department on any given day. i check in nearly every order that comes in during my shift, i'm aiding the cashiers, i'm bagging, stocking, making deliveries, picking up orders, looking at price books, calling in orders... who in their right mind gives someone as young as i am that much power? i mean, the money's good. REALLY good, in fact. but it's not worth the emotional toll. at least, not anymore.

i think that Lee (the grocery manager) had a good point when he said that he was "married" to Scot... to which i quipped "if you're married, then i'm engaged" XD in some sick way, it's true... it's been very much like a dysfunctional love story... and a very one-sided one too. he's abusive, inconsiderate, rude, and just plain mean. this is complicated by the fact that he signs our paychecks; hence, if we say anything that he doesn't want to hear, that's our asses... Lee's been working for Scot for 20 years. i've been working for him for just three, yet i have the same amount of responsibility... nay, more responsibility than Lee does, and i certainly have to take more shit than Lee has to. if i don't act soon, i'm going to get sucked in to a lifelong relationship that is more unhealthy than any other that i've ever been in. okay, possibly exaggerating here, but you understand what i'm getting at.

i say it's time to make like Heather Findlay, and end this engagement! (no one's going to get that joke, but oh well XD)

i'm tired of arguing... i can't take this for too much longer. so, here's my official announcement: by the end of August, my time at the Grosvenor Market will be over. whether it's my decision or Scot's, our relationship will come to an end. i wish i could do it sooner, but financially, i can't. i still have to pay off my credit card (a word to banks everywhere: NEVER give an 18-year old a credit card XD), as well as other pressing matters to handle before i'm secure enough to leave. i think four months is enough time, don't you? going to suck having to find another job though...

i'm thinking of going on a vacation after i leave. lord knows i deserve one. the last one i took was when i went down to Tennessee back in '07. wayyy too long. maybe i'll go on a road trip for a few weeks or something like that... just me and the open road... but no definite plans yet.

thanks for readin'. it means a alot... LOVE!////////

the soul rages

2009-03-30T01:36:23Z

GOD, that felt good! talk about negative energy leaving your body... XD

carrion coat

2009-03-30T01:23:59Z

i'd advise most of you not to read this, but then what would be the point of posting it? XD seriously, though... it gets pretty dark after this.

in response to a number of comments posted to my last entry (which were all posted at the very same time! way to go, girls :D), let me start by saying that i am an idiot. a selfish, greedy, needy, manipulating (might be exaggerating here...) idiot.

something happened yesterday that made me think long and hard about myself. it involves ruining a beautiful violin solo... most of you won't know what i'm talking about, but by the end of this entry it won't matter. i know what happened isn't a big deal, and i've been told as much. but as usual, i refuse to believe it. and for me, knowing and believing are two verrry different things. significant or not, the incident made me realize something about myself.

i'm nothing but a clown. a throwaway court jester in desperate need of your validation. and it sickens me.

it seems i've dedicated my life to acting like a complete ass for everyone's pleasure/annoyance. ever since i was a child i've been known for doing crazy, immature, and just downright stupid things just to feel the love of my fellow men. this would only work occasionally. most of the time, i would get nasty looks, mocking laughter, and jeers upon jeers upon jeers upon insults upon jeers... you get the message. i'm just surprised it took me this long to get the message. actually... no i'm not. i'm not the sharpest guy out there, as most of you know. so naturally, it would take me more than a decade to realize something this important about myself.

of couse, my parents are to blame for rejecting me over and over as a child, but i can only blame myself for coddling this for so long.

an old therapist of mine once told me that i have a habit of sabotaging myself. when i see an awesome opportunity arise, i automatically make the wrong choice, be it consciously or subconsciously, just to punish myself. a so-called "master of self-sabotage"?

when i think about it now, it all makes sense! i've been doing it my whole life! i can never finish anything i start. i can't take risks. i'm all promises and no action! i've been a loser at the confidence game since i was born. at least this problem i've tried to fix. yeah, tried. positive affirmations. happy mantras. hey, does anybody remember this entry? because i sure don't! i'm such a heel... for the past three years, the antidepressants have been doing their job. i'm more confident socially. i can take risks in conversation. god, i can actually talk to people! it's heaven... almost. i certainly have not been doing my share of the work. i have a lot of fixing up to do. i know this. but have i done it? what the hell does this fucking rant tell you? XD

one thing i've said a number of times in my life is that "no one really loves you until you're dead. when you're alive, no one cares about you; you're just another human being. when you die, you're the fucking man" or some variant of that. i just realized a few days ago that what i mean by that is "no one realizes how much they love you until you're dead." you know, the basic "you don't know what you have 'til you don't have it anymore" thing. when someone you love kills themselves, it makes you think about things like that. "maybe i should've done this" or "if only i had done such-and-such"...

wait a minute!?! is that what i want to do to the people...err... person who loves me? punish them for not doing enough? for not being there? god, i'm a fucking monster... i'm a goddamn sicko! i really don't deserve love. i deserve to feel as bad as i do. besides, my logic is crappy as usual. i want to feel wanted, i want to feel loved. and i can't feel either of those if i'm dead! XD

the idea of suicide fascinates me. how it affects everyone and everthing around you. what it means. what it stands for. martyrdom has always been a very attractive concept to me. what would i be a martyr for? love? freedom? sickness? crucify me! i could be a mentally ill messiah! XD that's a laugh... i has issues.

don't get me wrong. i am not about to run off and kill myself. do i need to repeat that? okay. I AM NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF. nor do i want to. i love life. i LOVE it! i love living, but i'm doing it all wrong. and don't you DARE say that i'm wrong, because i'm obviously not doing something right. this whole fucking entry is proof XD

i've been resisting the urge to cry for the past few days. i just want to let my defenses down, let my head fall into my hands, and weep like a baby. my dignity won't let me... oh, right. i don't have any dignity... well, something's stopping me.

maybe i just need to go away for a while and dream this whole "life" thing up again...

i'm sorry, everyone. if you'd rather not have anything to do with me after this, i'll understand. you don't need some mental case dragging you down.

thanks to everyone whose been paying attention to this blog... i need it.

nova orchid #1

2009-03-29T04:03:23Z

generally feeling bad and hating myself.

glossolalia nica stones

2009-03-11T03:56:47Z

in case you didn't know...

nosebeepbear is the best thing ever. i'm sure none of us are in disagreement here?

crisis of the heart

2009-03-08T23:58:55Z

things have been great lately. i mean, AWESOME. so why do i feel so crappy?

actually, i think i know why...

glitch.

2009-03-05T04:04:39Z

panic attack, anyone?

apparently, i can has... more after tears?

phantasm 3009

2009-03-02T05:13:30Z

...am I really alive???

...

...

...

...apparently. anywhich, i can't believe i just drove through that mess... more than that, i can't believe i survived. especially with the windscreen getting covered in ice, and my field of vision gradually getting smaller and smaller... and occasionally losing control of my car ('well, bitch, we're goings to be fightin'" i yelled at one point XD)

i really hope that Zoe's words about this being a repeat of the blizzard of '96 don't come to fruition...

i also think that this whole episode should be evidence that i would totally put my life on the line for sagesaria... i pretty much did XDDDDD

totally did not mean for this to be my first entry in a week+, but shit just happens that way... adiola, yo///./

adamantine hobbies

2009-02-15T03:35:07Z

another entry from wii-ness...

week of fail is week of more fail.

it hasn't even been a month since i repaired my hard drive, and now my monitor's busted.

well, the poor stay broke... *sigh* goddamn it.

inhabiting a silent void

2009-02-13T05:50:24Z

...why am i so crappy? DX

offending the flemish

2009-02-10T06:37:23Z

................................

((yeah, it's another one of those entries))

cryonica's halo

2009-02-09T01:32:47Z

"There are a lot of people in jail for killing good people... who needed to die at that particular moment."
- Richard Pryor

things, droogies!

went to Jess' on friday with Lita, who drove (thank god... i always have to drive XD). saw Eunice, and even daddy Edward :) got some pictures with my phone, of surprisingly good quality... may post later.

started on some MUCH needed cleaning yesterday, while playing through Persona 4 some more. i must say, it is one of the greatest RPGs i've ever played, and certainly the most original, even if there are a few things about it that piss me off... i tell you, the guys at Shin Megami Tensei sure know how to crank out the hits XD

spent most of today going over freezer sales with Jup. we're going to be resetting most of the freezer soon... that is, getting rid of those items that don't sell that well, and replacing them with better selling ones. i'm sure some of you are interested in my frozen food stuffs, rite? XD

and nao... the long-awaited funeral/eulogy for Songs From The Aviary.

emozebra already knows the details, but for those of you who don't...

remember a few entries back when i said i was having computer issues? well, the two happenings are actually related. basically, the old operating system on this computer (Machina 2, my nickname for it) was completely fubar from me downloading a bunch of crappy-crap-crap. after a system restore gone horribly wrong, i decided that i was left with no other choice to completely wipe the hard drive clean and start over with a new OS.

i initially decided to go with a less-destructive recovery, one that would salvage the files on my old hard drive (which included the album's master tapes), while deleting all of my old applications and hopefully all of the crappy-crap-crap.

this tactic, however, was not successful.

over the next few days, i tried to come to terms with losing more than a year's worth of work. demos, master tapes, even ideas for future projects would be lost in the blaze... eh, no great loss. most of the demos were crap, the masters were of terrible quality (okay, not terrible, but it could've been much better), and new (and hopefully better) ideas would come in the future. besides, most of my old ideas are still in my head anyway.

so i then went ahead with the more destructive kill-'em-all (as i called it) recovery.

my computer (re-christened Machina 3) is now working better than ever. A message to teh dood: do try not to destroy it this time...

future plans? well, as far as re-recording Songs From The Aviary goes, it'll definitely happen, but there are certainly things that will have to be changed, namely, some of my equipment. a lot of it is ridiculously out of date, especially that preamp i bought for $150 back in '04... don't make me puke my guts out, plz XD

i thought this whole episode would destroy my hopes of becoming a musician ("i'll never record again!!!" XD), but it has strengthened my resolve, and i'm more ambitious and confident than ever in my ablilities... i can say with certainty that this is far from Adrian Bradfield's last breath. details to follow???????

corniest last paragraph everrrrrrr XD/////////// nachty-nacht, droogies.

cloudy wine

2009-02-06T16:58:03Z

...see? i told you XD

it's great that what started out as a crappy week can come to a not-so-crappy ending... and by not-so-crappy, i mean good.

'tis all.

real tears are frozen

2009-02-02T02:10:57Z

in case you couldn't tell, i has issues.

sorry for the scare tactics and theatrics last night... i just had to get all of that angry shit off of my chest. i'm feeling a lot better nao! special thanks goes to emozebra and applesullen for their love and support. welcome back from the dead, Jeni-chan :D

i suppose explanations are due.

work had been going pretty well for a while, but a very petty incident yesterday with my crazy-ass boss set me back mood-wise. it's so petty i'm probably not even going to mention the specifics... let's just say free sodas bring out a lot of emotions in people XD in other news, i got a lot of cheering up from Jess and Reshan today, and Lita even showed up again! (i've no idea why, but oh well)

i'm also getting frustrated with myself in regard to my actually verry awesome relationship with sagesaria. don't worry my love, you're not doing anything wrong ;)

as all of you know, or should know, i've had a troubled past. especially when it comes to romance. my situation has been especially crappy since, until i finished high school, i only dated girls who had mental issues that were just as, or more severe than mine. unreasonable and cruel demands were placed upon my head on a daily basis. demands which, as a love-starved and damaged child, i was more than willing to fulfill, no matter the cost. i think of it as a sort of voluntary-involuntary servitude... i would thoughtlessly put myself in a bad way to spare them any hardship. my ex Hannah (y'know, the one that tried to kill me) needed to be complimented at least once every ten minutes (i'm not even kidding). ten minutes passing without compliments were followed by insults, degradation, and the silent treatment. after being with her for the better part of two years (off and on), excessive complimenting became the norm for me. women like it when you do that, right? XD explains a lot, huh?

i've been with a number of women who have told me, some in not so many words, some very explicitly, that my feelings meant less than nothing to them, and that i should just keep my mouth shut and do what i was told. surprisingly, this is a tactic my parents also used quite often (but that's another entry)... and of course, i always did as i was told.

this has become a pattern with me in subsequent relationships. my prior experiences taught me to keep my feelings hidden for fear that i would lose the woman that i loved. even a more sympathetic lover, who will remain nameless, couldn't get me to open up when something was bothering me. needless to say, a few months of this brought our relationship to an unfortunate, but mutual, end. bad luck for me? yes.

my bad luck seemed to change when Meg came into my life. she's brought true happiness and stability into my life, two things that i've never felt before. i've never loved anyone as much as i love her... i know it sounds like a corny love song, but it's true :) i even feel confident opening up to her, though sometimes that confidence subsides...

yet i feel like i'm screwing up somewhere, and if i keep screwing up i'm going to drive her away. i know i'm not doing anything wrong, but i don't believe it. am i doing something wrong?

my biggest fear is losing her. it keeps me awake at night. it haunts me whenever i'm with her. thoughts like "i hope i'm not pissing her off/annoying her", "maybe she's getting tired of me", or "do i really make her happy?" plague my mind constantly. even as i type this, i'm fearing the worst. but this needs to be said. i need to get this weight off of my shoulders. and attention must be paid. damn it, attention must be paid!

wordy! thank you for reading...

circle line?

2009-02-01T00:05:26Z

stuffs.

- working six days in a row... one down, five to go... *waits anxiously for friday*
- my relationship issues are really getting to me. more later?
+ computer issues have mostly passed, thank god
- listening to Marillion's Afraid of Sunlight made me cry... again
+ traded numbers w/ Jess and Lita... again XD
+ going to Jess' on friday. i haven't seen Eunice in ages!
- almost got fired today. "if it happens again... *death*"
+ Reshan is awesome :)
------ suicidal thoughts much?
- funeral for Songs From the Aviary coming soon
+ writing
- writing
+ Persona 4. like Persona 3, but kickassier!
- i'm looking like crap lately
- why do i suddenly fail at life?????

end.

ria and the hidden valley

2009-01-29T03:15:08Z

a lot of computer issues are occurring with teh dude as of late, but more on that later... as a result, i am posting this entry from Wii-ness! YAY!

bombshell. as of sunday night, due to forces beyond my control, Songs From the Aviary is no longer in production. details to follow.

sleep well, my lovely droogies...

the nutella kings

2009-01-26T01:45:02Z

mostly plus!

+ bad ass party at maugorn and patches023's. happy birthday, Maug, if i didn't mention it before.
+ so proud of my sweetie!
- old mr. social phobia set in at said party, which led to quite a bit of wallflowering on my part
+ nice conversations between madbodger and sagesaria. i was mostly spectating and clinging to my sweetie :)
+ in other news, a lot of great lyrics have been coming out of teh dood lately
- i've been stuck on "Zoe" for about a week
- march is closer than i'd like to think
- five songs to go... i feel more minus coming on, so i'm stopping here
+ work has been not-as-crappy as of late. bossman Scot is backing off, thank god
++++ teh dood is weird XP
? when did LJ become my whole life? XD
+ Harvest Moon
+ for trying to pull on last plus out of my ass...
? contrary to what the title of this entry may suggest, i've never tried nutella. what am i missing?